tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central April 23, 2013 9:30am-10:00am PDT
ingredients become. simple-- you puncture the wrapper and set it on high for three minutes. ( laughter ). today is the 43rd annual earth day. at that age no wonder its ice caps are receding. ( laughter ). this is the "colbert report" " captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down, we have to get to the news here. folks, what can i say but wow. what a weekend of news. let me catch you up.
previously on the "colbert report," i told you that the f.b.i. were searching for suspect 1 and suspect 2, which they narrowe narrowed down fromt know and maybe that guy. then thursday night, right after my show aired -- coincidence? let history decide. ( laughter ). we found out that two brothers, tamerlan tsarnaev and his younger brother... ( laughter ) a little help. >> zo-car sa-my-ev. >> ja-har zar-nye-eff. >> joe-car sar-nev. >> joe-hay sar-nay-off. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm going to go with white hat guy. ( laughter ) these brackets killed a young policeman, carjacked an s.u.v., ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all islamic
terrorists dream-- at beth israel hospital. ( laughter ) ( applause ) meanwhile-- meanwhile, white hat guy fled the scene so authorities start a massive manhunt, ordering the entire city of boston to shelter-in-place. marking the first time an american city has been completely shut down if you don't count detroit. ( laughter ) it is-- it is unprecedented, folks. cnn's susan candiotti 7, i think, capturedly the feeling best. >> the streets are empty. it's ear. it's as though a bomb had dropped somewhere. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well said. that's cnn susan candiotti reporting live from no-(bleep)ylvania. ( laughter ) ( applause ) they finally caught white hat
guy hiding in a boat, and he's been formally charged. the question is how should the united states respond to this act of terror? where should we strike back? well, let's review what we know. they are muslims. they are brothers. which makes them the muslim brotherhood. ( laughter ). that means egypt. ( laughter ) then again, they are from chechnya, a federal republic of the russian federation located in the caucasuses mountains, which makes these terrorists caucasians. ( laughter ). so be on the lookout for caucasian males with dark hair and anger issue, and i believe we have a computer composite. ( laughter ) yes. ( applause ) that is the face of evil! ( laughter ) now, so many people out there confuse chesh 93 with the czech
republic, but the czech ambassador to the u.s. released a statement saying the czech republic and chechnya are two very different entitys. hmmm. me thinks he doth protest too much. ( laughter ) because it doth sound too much like that other thing i doth thought it was. ( laughter ) nice try, your ambassadorship. i'm watching you, czech republic. you, too, chex mix. ( laughter ). ( applause ) now, even though-- even though these brothers are et cetera nickly chechen before coming to the u.s. they also spent time in krygyzstan and cas contact stan, places synonymous with unrest and high word scores in scrabble. ( laughter ). so if we put the pieces of the puzzle together-- russia, chechnya, cirsig zach, kazakhstan, the czech republic, it is clear we must invade iraq.
( cheers and applause ) i'm saying. i'm just saying, it worked the first time. and the second time. ( laughter ) and, folks, i am right now being told by this prompter that there's breaking news in the war on terror. jim. >> canadian police say they foiled a plot that had support from al qaeda to derail a train. two men are under arrest. u.s. homeland security and the f.b.i. were also involved. >> the plan was to blow up a bridge in canada while a train was crossing, a train which toronto and new york city commuters use. >> this is a testament to the strength of our relationships with canadian and american law enforcement. >> stephen: yes, the royal canadian mounted police, or mounties, have thwarted an al qaeda-inspired terrorist attack, which is quite a fate considering how hard it is for them to go under cover.
folk, i would like to say a word to our friends up north-- you canadians are a brave and heroic people. if i have said it once, this is the one time i said it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) ladies and gentlemen, i-- i want all my maple-blood brothers to know that we would put it on the line to protect you if there was anyone who disliked you. ( laughter ) so thank you, canada. this is the greatest gift you have given our country since your years of service providing a plausible place for our nonexistent girlfriends to be from. ( laughter ). and i am not-- i am not the only newsman showing canada the proper respect, shep. >> let's get the details. in english and in french. it's how they roll. and they're still saying hole over there and they're going to say hello for a long time. they do-- you know, god love canada but they-- they-- they're not great at the television. ( laughter ). >> stephen: shep's right,
they're not great at the television. they just waste time, unlike fox news which today had a lot of great footage of canadians wasting time on television. of course, there has been wall-to-wall coverage of these terrorist attacks all week because the media loves reporting bad news. i back that up with details but our fact checker was hit by a bus carrying medicine to an orphanage for puppies and wheelchairs. ( laughter ) but tonight, i am here to tell you to buck up, america. if you're one of the few americans who still has a buck because it's time for tiny triumphs. ( cheers and applause ) folks, the american society of civil engineers recently released their quadrennial report card, and for the first time in 1 15 years we improved r
grade. y they gave our infrastructure a d, but this year we have rocketed up to d-plus. boom! ( cheers and applause ) we are climbing the ladder. ( laughter ) by the way, do not climb that ladder. it is a death trap. folks, this report, which gives a comprehensive assessment of a nation's infrastructure was released in march, but i just got it because the delivery truck spent four days stuck in a pothole. ( laughter ) be proud, nation. because we have boosted our grade in all 16 infrastructure subjects, except for 10 of them. ( laughter ). for more, we turn to the first name in crumbling, cnn. jim. >> six categories saw improvement. bridges, railroads, drinking water, solid waste, and wastewater. solid waste earned the highest
grade on the report, a b-minus-- go, solid waste. ( applause ) ( laughter ). >> stephen: yes, yes. go solid waste. speaking of which, tucker carlson is the new host of "fox & friends weekend." go, tucker. according to the report, we can now proudly say that only 25% of our nation's bridges are structurally deficient or functionally obsolete. that's right. there is a three-in-four chance if you drive across a bridge, you will make it to the other side. and america can hold its head high, knowing when it comes to our nation's levees, 8% are in acceptable condition. of the remaining levees, 22% are unacceptable, 42% are constructed of old marshmallow peeps, and 28% don't want to work. they just want to bang on the drum all day. ( cheers and applause ). nation, i believe this inspiring
d-plus is a grade we can all be proud of. in fact, i believe we should hang this report card somewhere high where everyone can see it. but not a bridge. ( laughter ) it may not be able to handle the load. ( laughter ) but keep those party hats on, nation, because i've got more good news to report. an environmental protection agency study says that more than half of u.s. rivers are unable to sustain life. but i am an optimist. i prefer to see our nation's rivers as half not a phosphorous-soaked-aquatic graveyard. and this summer you can have just as much fun in a so-called polluted river. no tire twing? just jump in and chances are you'll land on one. if only 45% of our rivers and streams can support life, i'll say the problem isn't with the water. it's with the fish. hey, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the water that
for some reason is on fire. ( laughter ). so cheer up, nation. these two reports show that we're going to be just fine. even if a bridge does collapse, chances are the river will be so polluted, you'll be able to drive right across it. ( laughter ). ( applause ) we'll be right back. ( cheers ) -x,x,yye,x o$,v1
everybody. thanks so much. nation, summer is coming and i know you're looking for just the right vacation. what will kids like, the beach, the mountains? the answer is as always, their ipads. not anymore, folks, because this summer you can show your kids the time of their lives at the library. >> on thursday, the bush family dedicates the george w. bush presidential library in dallas. it opened to the public may 1. >> stephen: that's right, may 1, 10 years to the day since george bush famously landed on the deck of the uss "abraham lincoln" and declared mission accomplished which means the library will be finished in another eight and a half years. ( cheers and applause ). nation, i am so pumped! because this thing is going to be packed with bush-nography. more than 43,000 artifacts and
200 million e-mails will be on display. and those 200 million e-mails could have almost 18 nonredacted words. but that's not even the best part. >> would you have invaded iraq if you were president? or bail out wall street? former president george w. bush wants to know what you would have done. it's part of a new interactive theater featureed in the george w. bush presidential library and museum. >> stephen: yes, the library includes interactive role playing where the president hands over the raings of power to someone else, just like he did when he was president. ( cheers and applause ) it's like-- what's it like. it's like-- it's like a presidential "choose your own adventure." i mean, would deploy federal troops after hurricane katrina, or rely on local forces? would you bail out wall street, or let the banks fail? would you invade iraq or leave saddam hussein in power? it really gives you perspective. let's see you sift through
mountains of intelligence saying saddam didn't have weapons of mass destruction to finds the one memo that implies that he might. laugh but, folks, as excited as i am, i must confess there is something that deeply disappointed me about the bush library. i am not invited to thursday's dedication. >> ooooon- >> stephen: thank you. and i'm hurt. on my inside feeling part. ( laughter ). i mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservativees were abandoning bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with cat island, i remained faithful, and i'm sure heenes that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized. that's okay, mr. president. i forgive you. and i will be there on day one, and so should you, nation. you can buy your tickets online now. of course, some of them will be for the bush presidential
hey, michael. >> hey, how you doing? >> stephen: good to see you again. thanks so much for coming back. >> sure. i brought my card. my colbert sub club card. >> stephen: timing here, just-- >> what do i get? >> stephen: you get a free foot long. everybody knows, the audience knows who you are, but for people at home who may have lifted in a cave the last few years, you're the bestselling author in defense of food, food rules. and now you have a new book called "cooked: a natural history of transformation." okay, are michael, you have a food book problem. ( laughter ). okay i? no matter how many food books you write, you're not going to fill that hole inside of you. >> it's a writing disorder.
q. what's the latest flim-flami? do i have to have the cow sign a release or something like, that play mozart for my tomatoes. >> much easier, much easier. >> stephen: what's your story here. >> the story is after following the food chain from the farm to your body eye wrote books about farming, i wrote books about health. >> stephen: everything is corn. >> that's right. >> stephen: go ahead. >> and i realized the central link in the food chain where we transform the stuff coming off the farms into meals is the key link. it explains the health problem in that the most important thing about your diet is not a nutrient but an activity-- cooking. so the question about your diet is not what are you eating but who is cooking it? is it a human being -- >> stephen: consuela. are you saying these she's not a good cook? what are you saying? >> i think that's great. if you can afford conswale afantastic. as long as a human being is cooking for you and not a
corporation, you're fine. >> stephen: corporation can cook so much more efficiently than humans. they have giant vats and huge machines that extrude food at my face. machines do it better sometimes. like, i can't-- i can't make fununions at home. >> and i can't make cheese noodles. they make that kind of food-- like french fries too easy. if you were cook at home how often would you make french fries? >> stephen: i don't know how to make french fries. >> good. you won't make them that often. when corporations cook french fries for us, we eat them two or three different times a day. they use cheap ingredients and lot of additives to keep the food looking fresher and -- >> stephen: and crunchy. >> and crunchy. >> stephen: and crisp. >> but those additives are not so good for us. they cook with lots of chemicals that you don't have in your pantry. >> stephen: the book is split up into earth, air, fire. is this eating philosophy based
at all on the band earth, wind, and fire. ( laughter ) because i base all my eating on the band meatloaf. ( laughter ). ( applause ) what do you mean by these different sections? earth, air, fire-- there's a water section, too. >> cooking is about transformations of nature into food. it's a meal. and there are four main transformation. we cook with fire, barbecueue know all about barbecue. we cook in pots, waters, stews, and brazes. air is bake. we inject air into food to make it more delicious and nutritious, and earth is cooking with microbe which is kind of the most interesting of all. there's a lot of bacteria in the soil, and we use bacteria to ferment, too, and fungus. >> stephen: like beer. >> beer, exactly. beer is a good example, sauerkraut. these foods are all cooked would you want the use of heat. >> stephen: do i have to make my own beer or i can drink--
gee. >> stephen: can i drink bud light lime. >> yes, you can. look, there are certain kinds of cooking we outsource, and beer is a good example. although i do make beer. i learned how to make beer for the book. it was kind of fun and satisfying. >> stephen: do you have a shame food? does michael pollan have a shame food, the sort of thing if you confessed you ate it, everyone would say, "that man is a fraud?" what is it? >> well, if i'm buying food in a gas station, which i don't recommend doing, but occasionally -- >> stephen: it's created by raw ingredients. >> i like crackerjacks. >> stephen: oh... that's hardly the worse thing in the world. >> thank you, that's very comforting. >> stephen: they've been making it for, like, 120 years, right. >> it's a 7 traditional american food. >> stephen: do you eat the prize? that's where most of the
nutrition is in the crackerjack box. >> the prizes aren't what they used to be. they're all paper now. >> stephen: i get shocked by the things i read. am i going to be shocked by anything i read here or am i going to be intrigued? >> i think you'll be shocked. >> stephen: what shocks? >> well, what shocks? i guess the shock is the simple fact that you know if you're the most important thing about your diet is whether it is cooked our not. >> stephen: ficook it myself can i have pretty much anything? >> you can have the pasta. maybe get whole wheept pasta is you're concerned about that. >> stephen: whole wheat pasta sucks. ( laughter ) ( applause ) michael, thank you so much for joining me. on that note, michael pollan, the book is